Standing on the fringes of life...

where everyone is nobody, and I'm no one.

2009-12-01T18:15:15Z

This is between me and you... but I'm seriously losing it. Last night I tried just staring at my ceiling with bryce screaming in my ears but it wasn't cutting it. I'M TOO CONNECTED. Everything is so linked, I don't want to just be another link in the chain. "There's no time" I don't want to use that excuse but right now I really don't feel like there's room in my schedule to listen to myself. I have time in between classes to say how I feel on a fucking blog. I can't write it down in a stupid journal anymore. I'll sit on my [not even] twin sized bed in the corner where all my pictures hang and think: "holy shit. I just really need someone to talk to." And the people that I should be able to talk to aren't available. Doesn't matter if they're physically able to talk, no one is mentally able for connection with another person because we're all in our heads. Or somewhere else, but not here in reality. I don't want to be here in reality, I'm just barely making it in the "reality" that's real. This reality isn't what's real to me, so why do I bother? I don't open my curtains anymore. I'm being melodramatic. Whatever, I have colloquium in a half an hour and I'll just have to jump into that reality everyone shares for those three hours.

awh.

2009-11-23T05:03:51Z

this glass house is burning down.

2009-11-19T00:21:22Z

I don't write anymore, I post. I post filtered thoughts from my brain. I don't write in that journal Bridge got for me on my birthday. There are two of me. I feel like I'm losing touch with the first me; the one that came here. I miss my friends so much, I don't want them to be so far away. worriesworriesworries. Things are good though, I'm happy. I'm tired, but I'm happy. The sun keeps on shining everyday through my window and I like the friends I've made here. It's just... who am I to ramble on about nothing but everything to? Who's going to stay up with me and pretend to ride air-bikes in our sleep?--shit I miss bridge. I'm glad I saw chelsea a couple weekends ago, the occasional grounding helps. I wish she wasn't sick and I wish I wasn't rushed out of their house so she could go to the doctors. This is all just stemming from the lack of tangibility ( is that word ? ) We're all dealing with it... we were so comfortable and happy with our nest of reliable real friendships. And they yanked us out of our bubble. I'm not different at least. I think the same, feel the same, act the same accordingly. There's just that hint of censored thoughts... I don't feel like I'm entirely accepted to act as if I would normally. But ya know... it's good. This is all good, it gets easier and things take time. This is fine, I'm happy. I just need to write more.

this is what's important:

2009-11-16T21:23:33Z

Russ is a freak, haha. :)

I love my ding-dang family. I really need to keep my head on because I'm starting to slip. I'm so tired and ready for November 25th. I'm trying so hard to keep my composure when I seriously feel like jumping off a building. I'm starting to not care but everything takes too much energy, it's better for me to just suck it up and deal. I just need to rest.

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-11-15T07:19:00

2009-11-15T12:17:03Z

I KNOW NOTHING.

peppermint patties.

2009-11-11T15:58:32Z

It's november but mother nature doesn't think so. Digital photography is hard to get used to, i don't like it much. We had to do a narrative, but I just portrayed like a feeling because that was an option. And lately my identity is something on my mind lately. So I looked at that picture that I look at sometimes and see my dad and mom and all my siblings like alive, and i'm not there because I didn't exist yet. And I see how happy they look, and I remember the first time I realized that I wasn't there and I felt sad. I don't know why it made me sad seeing my whole family so happy, probably because they were actually a real family, they all just look so complete. And right before I was born everything became incomplete so I never got that. Then I was thinking about how I'm supposed to call my dad because "well i don't want you to miss out on a relationship with your father, and then have it be too late once he's gone." That's what mom says but I'm the child. This is going to mess me up, I feel messed up.

Holy shit I love rice cakes. I'm crazy. I'm going to up forever tonight but I don't mind. I need to write that paper and finish that project, shit. I have class @ 1:30. no big deal. Last night @ the tea lounge I was thinking: wow, i really am lonely. I love raspberry chocolate tea though or whatever that is.

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-11-06T14:10:00

2009-11-06T19:09:31Z

starbucks frappuccino
chocolate covered pretzels
odwalla bars
ryan adams
PMS.

<33 friday.

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-11-03T19:04:00

2009-11-04T00:10:12Z

UHM. I'm finding it hard to define how I feel lately. A little apathetic but too passionate at the same time. Too much to get me stuck and not know what to do with all the inspiration running through my body. I guess I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed and sad but that's normal for me. I am happy/content. The cold is starting to get to me however, the sunshine has been great the past two days. I find myself not acting like myself, I get caught up in pointless conversation to make it through the day. I say things that aren't relevant, I over-react, I lie--just to get through the day. I'm forming ONE tangible relationship aside from the ones I've had since jumpstart, and that's helping me balance with the superficial ones. I realize I really need to be more sociable or I will not survive here. I need to be more real, more me, to these people I am meeting because I'm just never serious...I just need to stop making jokes and being sarcastic. This room is too small, I can't dance. Sometimes I dance in the elevator. I'm not saying that I'm in-genuine in everything I do. There's just not enough genuine thoughts in my actions or words, not enough for me at least. I owe it to myself to stay true to who I am and to these people I'm meeting. It's just that I've left this part of me in the people I've known since I was 10. They all just have this part of me in them and if I don't see them often I forget about that one part. That's why I'm glad I'm seeing chelsea this weekend. I gotta get back, I gotta get real!

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-11-02T14:33:00

2009-11-02T19:34:08Z

and when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase
it's what you've become and it's what you will say
that's ballgame.

i miss you.

2009-11-01T23:02:24Z

"I'm looking at you right now and I hear you talking and all the words that are coming out of your mouth are like they're coming out of a stranger. Why don't you put your fucking hair back on and come back, just come on back." -All the Real Girls

i just want the hot chocolate and the late night talks in my room.

it'll get better

2009-11-01T22:35:33Z

all right hi.
i don't have friends.
in search for something tangible to hold me over.
in search for companionship with meaning.
in need for grounding.
in need of the sun.
in need of less awareness of the outside self.
in search for less inside pressure.
in need of a medium.
in hope for tranquility.

it'll get better.

gewd tymz

2009-10-31T15:15:49Z

Today is halloween. it is around 11AM. I have a review session @ 12. I should go shower, because I smell like beer and basement. hah! and probably trident gum. my room mate thinks i'm a horrible person because i went to a frat last night. She's probably judging me right now as we are sitting on our sides of the room. i don't care! I didn't sleep in my own bed last night, I slept in Elise's @ Sadler, because I couldn't go back to my dorm in the state I was in. LOL. Really sad Elise is sick =[ Hope she can come out tonight. I danced with tommy? but that didn't lead anywhere because of supergirl. my costume wasn't slutty enough. Halloween is great, but I don't want to put all that makeup on again tonight =\ bye.

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-10-29T23:18:00

2009-10-30T03:16:48Z

follow me on twitter?

beccahpope

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-10-29T14:18:00

2009-10-29T18:17:15Z

i need a boy to act for me in like this short film i'm making.
uhm. and a girl.

i need these things.

how strange!

2009-10-29T15:51:51Z

what a weird dream i had last night/this morning.

h8in this.

2009-10-29T02:40:17Z

nothing goes the way i want it to!

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-10-27T23:51:00

2009-10-28T03:50:01Z

meowmeowmeow! <3

disclaimer: abstract. (semi)

2009-10-22T22:19:50Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FYJT1R0Vs8

look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive.

2009-10-22T22:17:35Z

OKAY! So I just want to tell everyone what I great freaking day I had. And how strange it is to be anything at all. Seriously, stayed up until 3AM writing that paper for drama, woke up in a shitty mood, my prof asked me if I was all right because i seemed " a bit out of it " *british accent* I was all "wtf? yah, i'm fine." Allll day I was dreading the presentation og my project for Studio because I was afraid it was too short, everyone would hate it, I'd look like an amateur, ETC! SO That was on my mind. I got back to my dorm around 11:00 and took a shower and decided to look nice for the remainder of this FINE October day, so I did. When it came time for studio to roll around, I was feeling all right. but all I ate before 1 was an apple. thank god for those chips my prof got in celebration of presentations....hah! The class progressed and I eventually went up there clumsily and gave a poor description of what everyone was about to watch. I wanted to puke... first crit in University! I survived... bc everybody liked it! =]! and she was all impressed ive never used an editing program before because it was all very "elegant and seamless." Her opinion meant the most because she was grading me.... haha. I just got a big ego boost from that, and I'm very proud of my video and my work. She said now that I have this ability to use these programs my work is going to start to really develop and reach to the viewers. ahhh =] Now i'm just waiting to go to the bus station to head to NYC to see mai beez!!! <333 yay for hopefully a great weekend =] <33!

dinosaurnuggets @ 2009-10-18T23:24:00

2009-10-19T03:23:21Z

i won't judge.

must we always be untrue?

2009-10-11T13:57:11Z

lewkin down. I'm collecting leaves from the sidewalks because they'll be gone soon. It's the 11th of October kind of like that day last year when there were so many people at my house and the sun was shining but the wind wasn't cold. Walked all the way from Kelsey's sister's place and it took be 15mins. Not bad at all. The wind is cold today and I'm going picking for apples, i love october. I'm wearing boots because I'm in college and that's all anyone wears around here. I'm waiting for a firewire cable in the mail. I need to get this project on the role, I'm not limited. I really love playing cards with people on my floor @ 1AM--I'm comfortable this is good. I want warm apple cider. Did I eat yesterday? I hate the dome.

this was a year ago???

2009-10-08T00:24:20Z

hahahaha. oh. =\

i think this is funny...

2009-10-07T16:03:18Z

mostly bc i fucking love this paper clip. i didn't even watch the VMA's.

i should mean more.

2009-10-06T02:50:01Z

I know what I need & it's not you, thank god for this reassurance.

back to normality.

2009-10-04T18:54:53Z

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