Standing on the fringes of life...

that boy, at that party last night, the psych major with the really soft hair...i should have gotten his number.

we aren't communicating, and that bothers me more than you'd think. I just don't know what to do about it.

I don't write anymore, I post. I post filtered thoughts from my brain. I don't write in that journal Bridge got for me on my birthday. There are two of me. I feel like I'm losing touch with the first me; the one that came here. I miss my friends so much, I don't want them to be so far away. worriesworriesworries. Things are good though, I'm happy. I'm tired, but I'm happy. The sun keeps on shining everyday through my window and I like the friends I've made here. It's just... who am I to ramble on about nothing but everything to? Who's going to stay up with me and pretend to ride air-bikes in our sleep?--shit I miss bridge. I'm glad I saw chelsea a couple weekends ago, the occasional grounding helps. I wish she wasn't sick and I wish I wasn't rushed out of their house so she could go to the doctors. This is all just stemming from the lack of tangibility ( is that word ? ) We're all dealing with it... we were so comfortable and happy with our nest of reliable real friendships. And they yanked us out of our bubble. I'm not different at least. I think the same, feel the same, act the same accordingly. There's just that hint of censored thoughts... I don't feel like I'm entirely accepted to act as if I would normally. But ya know... it's good. This is all good, it gets easier and things take time. This is fine, I'm happy. I just need to write more.

Russ is a freak, haha. :)






I love my ding-dang family. I really need to keep my head on because I'm starting to slip. I'm so tired and ready for November 25th. I'm trying so hard to keep my composure when I seriously feel like jumping off a building. I'm starting to not care but everything takes too much energy, it's better for me to just suck it up and deal. I just need to rest.

It's november but mother nature doesn't think so. Digital photography is hard to get used to, i don't like it much. We had to do a narrative, but I just portrayed like a feeling because that was an option. And lately my identity is something on my mind lately. So I looked at that picture that I look at sometimes and see my dad and mom and all my siblings like alive, and i'm not there because I didn't exist yet. And I see how happy they look, and I remember the first time I realized that I wasn't there and I felt sad. I don't know why it made me sad seeing my whole family so happy, probably because they were actually a real family, they all just look so complete. And right before I was born everything became incomplete so I never got that. Then I was thinking about how I'm supposed to call my dad because "well i don't want you to miss out on a relationship with your father, and then have it be too late once he's gone." That's what mom says but I'm the child. This is going to mess me up, I feel messed up.


Holy shit I love rice cakes. I'm crazy. I'm going to up forever tonight but I don't mind. I need to write that paper and finish that project, shit. I have class @ 1:30. no big deal. Last night @ the tea lounge I was thinking: wow, i really am lonely. I love raspberry chocolate tea though or whatever that is.

starbucks frappuccino
chocolate covered pretzels
odwalla bars
ryan adams
PMS.

<33 friday.

UHM. I'm finding it hard to define how I feel lately. A little apathetic but too passionate at the same time. Too much to get me stuck and not know what to do with all the inspiration running through my body. I guess I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed and sad but that's normal for me. I am happy/content. The cold is starting to get to me however, the sunshine has been great the past two days. I find myself not acting like myself, I get caught up in pointless conversation to make it through the day. I say things that aren't relevant, I over-react, I lie--just to get through the day. I'm forming ONE tangible relationship aside from the ones I've had since jumpstart, and that's helping me balance with the superficial ones. I realize I really need to be more sociable or I will not survive here. I need to be more real, more me, to these people I am meeting because I'm just never serious...I just need to stop making jokes and being sarcastic. This room is too small, I can't dance. Sometimes I dance in the elevator. I'm not saying that I'm in-genuine in everything I do. There's just not enough genuine thoughts in my actions or words, not enough for me at least. I owe it to myself to stay true to who I am and to these people I'm meeting. It's just that I've left this part of me in the people I've known since I was 10. They all just have this part of me in them and if I don't see them often I forget about that one part. That's why I'm glad I'm seeing chelsea this weekend. I gotta get back, I gotta get real!

and when you realize it's a pattern and not a phase
it's what you've become and it's what you will say
that's ballgame.